March Moniker Madness

The “Dance” that is the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament will be starting in approximately six weeks, and 68 teams will be looking to be the one to cut down the net in the Louisiana Superdome when the final game has been played.

Here at the VORG, we’re going to hold our own “March Moniker Madness” tournament, which will consist of the top 64 player names in MLB history.  There will be four “regions” of 16 names (‘Spelling Bee’, ‘Sounds Dirty’, ‘Just Cool to Say’ and ‘What Were Mom and Dad Thinking’), and after I seed the names from 1-16 in each region, they’ll go through single elimination polls, until we crown a champ.

Here is where you come in  . . . YOU get to provide me with the teams (though I’ll screen them for appropriateness/level of wonderfulness).  I’ll seed them and then set the polls up.  All I ask is that you follow these guidelines:

  • Players ONLY.  No coaches, umpires, executives, broadcasters, etc, UNLESS they ALSO played in the Majors at one time.
  • Majors ONLY.  This is not open to anyone from the Minors who has never played a game in the Majors.  The Minors has their own competition, organized by MILB.COM.
  • Foreign players that played professionally in other countries but have NOT played a game in MLB are not allowed (ex. Yu Darvish).
  • No nicknames, UNLESS the nickname has become the de facto first name of the player (i.e. “Catfish Hunter”).  I might run a “Nickname Madness” pool later in the year, depending on the response to this one.
  • Please state the “top line” name as shown by Baseball Reference.  For example, use “Reggie Jackson,” not “Reginald Martinez Jackson” or “Reginald Jackson”.
  • If you cannot find the name in Baseball Reference, but you are sure you’ve seen it in print, send me a link to it.
  • Active and retired players are each allowed.
  • All submissions must be received by February 17.
  • Submissions will be accepted via commenting on this post or follow-up “Madness” posts, or by emailing with “Madness” as the Subject.

Thanks for your anticipated involvement, and have fun!

Update #1: 487 valid entries received through morning of 2/5/12.



126 thoughts on “March Moniker Madness

  1. I absolutely love this idea; I’ve previously considered making a “Silly Names All-Star Team”, so this is great. I usually intended to keep the especially foreign names to a minimum, because I’m sure our names sound strange to their culture as well, but some of them are just too much fun, so the “Just Cool to Say” region would be perfect for some of them. Let’s see…

    Keiichi Yabu (Just Cool to Say)
    Wandy Rodriguez (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Yorvit Torrealba (could fit into any region except Spelling Bee)
    Yuniesky Betancourt (probably Just Cool to Say)
    Grady Sizemore (Sounds Dirty by way of Spelling Bee–while “Sizemore” is vaguely suggestive in its own right, “Grady Sizemore” is an anagram of “Dream Orgy Size”)
    Terrmel Sledge (also probably Just Cool to Say, because his last name at least sounds like a nickname while his first name is…I have no idea. This could also be Spelling Bee, because until I looked through Baseball Reference to bring some older names into this, I thought his first name was spelled with only one r.)
    Doug Mientkiewicz (Spelling Bee, because it looks nothing like it sounds)
    Frank Francisco (Repetitive names; definitely What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    So Taguchi (Just Cool to Say)
    Rusty Kuntz (the ultimate Sounds Dirty)
    Kent Hrbek (Spelling Bee)
    Harmon Killebrew (Just Cool to Say)
    Denard Span (Just Cool to Say)
    Scott Schoeneweis (Spelling Bee)
    Jimmy Gobble (possibly Sounds Dirty; What Were Mom and Dad Thinking is also a possibility but unless Jimmy is actually the name on his birth certificate it’s more his own fault for not choosing to go by Jim or James instead.)
    Burke Badenhop (could be Just Cool to Say, but could also be What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Erubiel Durazo (Just Cool to Say, I think)
    Octavio Dotel (Just Cool to Say)
    Justin Duchscherer (Spelling Bee, although if you pronounce it a certain way Sounds Dirty is also a possibility.)
    Ryan Theriot (Spelling Bee)
    Nick Swisher (Just Cool to Say)
    Nap Lajoie (Spelling Bee)
    Asdrubal Cabrera (uh…probably What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?, if only because you could just run your finger across the middle row of a keyboard and not be all that far off.)
    Skip Schumaker (Just Cool to Say)
    Vance Worley (Just Cool to Say)
    Joba Chamberlain (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Mark Teixeira (Spelling Bee)
    Rubby De La Rosa (Sounds Dirty. Remember that “De La Rosa” means “of the rose” in Spanish, then remember what “a date with Rosie Palms” is a euphemism for…)
    Everth Cabrera (possibly What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Eugenio Velez (Just Cool to Say)
    Boof Bonser (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking? Okay, technically this isn’t his birth name, I don’t think, but it apparently is his legal name now.)
    Trevor Plouffe (Just Cool to Say)
    Adron Chambers (Just Cool to Say)
    Antonio Bastardo (Just Cool to Say. Also could be Sounds Dirty, because it’s quite clearly a curse word.)
    Chone Figgins (Spelling Bee)
    Jeff Manship (Sounds Dirty)
    Kosuke Fukudome (The rare Japanese name to make the “Sounds Dirty” category, thanks to the hyphenation “Fuk-u-do-me”. Actually, Keiichi Yabu could make the “Sounds Dirty” category as well, but the possibility of his name being used as a reference to jiggling breasts is outweighed by the fact that if you say his name really quickly you will sound like a Yoshi from the Super Mario series.)
    Yovani Gallardo (Just Cool to Say)
    Kirby Puckett (Just Cool to Say)
    J.J. Putz (Sounds Dirty)
    Luke Hochevar (Sounds Dirty. Doesn’t look like it should sound dirty, but it really, really does.)
    Chien-Ming Wang (Sounds Dirty)
    Placido Polanco (Just Cool to Say)
    Ugueth Urbina (Just Cool to Say)
    Jair Jurrjens (Just Cool to Say)
    Kila Ka’aihue (Just Cool to Say)
    Fu-Te Ni (Just Cool to Say)
    Ivan Nova (Just Cool to Say)
    Brayan Peña (Spelling Bee)
    Wily Mo Peña (both Spelling Bee and Just Cool to Say)
    Mark Rzepczynski (Spelling Bee; I almost considered not putting him on because it’s fairly tame for one of those names, with only one letter that seems out of place…but it’s a silent r. At the start of the word.)
    Carl Yastrzemski (Spelling Bee)
    Jeff Samardzija (Spelling Bee…any name that looks like it should have more syllables than it actually does belongs in the spelling bee category. It’s a shame that this is only open to baseball players, because the NBA has the best example of this: DeSagana Diop. That entire name looks like it should have six syllables; it actually has four.)
    Fausto Carmona (Just Cool to Say…which might be why he chose it, now that we know that it was a fake name. Can we even count this?)

    Now, aside from those who either for their skills or the sheer absurdity of their names (Kuntz) are so famous that their names are passed down through the years, most of my choices are either active or recently retired, because I’m still fairly young. Let’s take a look through Baseball Reference and see if we can find some interesting ones…I should also note that whenever I find an apparent WWM&DT and then look into it and find out that it’s actually a middle name, I don’t put it in, because it’s probable that it was actually their mother’s maiden name and their own decision to essentially go by two last names.

    Casper Asbjornsen (Spelling Bee)
    Kimera Bartee (Just Cool to Say, obviously.)
    Rivington Bisland (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Ambiorix Burgos (either What Were Mom and Dad Thinking or Just Cool to Say. How did I forget this one; he was part of that same Royals pitching staff that had been practically a Just Cool To Say division in its own right)
    Uke Clanton (Should be Sounds Dirty, but will probably end up better in What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Stubby Clapp (Sounds Dirty; yeah, this is a nickname, but according to Baseball Reference, his actual first name is Richard…leading to the even dirtier-sounding “Dick Clapp”.)
    Onix Concepción (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking, I think…)
    Dick Cox (Sounds Dirty. What makes this even worse is that Richard isn’t one of his birth names; he’s “Elmer Joseph Cox”.
    Callix Crabbe (no clue what division to put him in, but that is an incredible name)
    Jim Czajkowski (Spelling Bee)
    Chase d’Arnaud (Just Cool to Say…and yeah, I’ll admit to forgetting this one even though it’s an active player. The fact that his last name starts with a lowercase letter makes it even cooler.)
    Trench Davis (This actually isn’t a nickname, so definitely What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Yurendell de Caster (Just Cool to Say…actually, might have hints of Sounds Dirty as well.)
    Johnny Dickshot (Sounds Dirty…and painful)
    Radhames Dykhoff (no clue. Too foreign to be What Were Mom and Dad Thinking, not quite dirty enough for Sounds Dirty…I guess Spelling Bee is the best fit.)
    Woody English (Sounds Dirty)
    Steve Fireovid (Just Cool to Say)
    Emiliano Fruto (Possibly What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?, but that’s an unfortunate category because there really isn’t anything wrong with the first name.)
    Jot Goar (no clue where to put this one. I also have no clue whether to consider it a nickname and therefore ineligible when it seems to be a legitimate shortening of the actual first name.)
    Bill Goodenough (Just Cool to Say. Better yet, the second line of his Baseball Reference profile has his full name listed as “William B. Goodenough”.)
    Eli Grba (Spelling Bee)
    Howdy Groskloss (I’d go with What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?; Howdy is apparently short for Howard)
    Mark Grudzielanek (another one I should’ve remembered from that legendary Royals team–definitely another Spelling Bee)
    Doug Gwosdz (Spelling Bee)
    Yamid Haad (Just Cool to Say)
    Atlee Hammaker (either Just Cool to Say or What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?. I’m leaning toward the latter, because Atlee was actually his middle name, and he found this preferable to his first name of Charlton, even though he could’ve easily just gone by Charlie.)
    Rich Hand (could’ve been so much worse, but still kinda Sounds Dirty anyway.)
    Hilly Hathaway (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking? …it’s short for Hillary. Hillary Houston Hathaway, in fact, as if being Hillary Hathaway wasn’t bad enough)
    Thorny Hawkes (Just Cool to Say…and yes, it is a legitimate diminutive. He took the WWM&DT-worthy first name of “Thorndike” and turned it into something awesome…although with a different last name, this could’ve also been an epic Sounds Dirty.)
    Ed Head (Just Cool to Say)
    Harry Hedgpeth (Spelling Bee)
    Woodie Held (Sounds Dirty)
    Lafayette Henion (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking)
    Ubaldo Heredia (Just Cool to Say…and I can’t believe I forgot Ubaldo Jimenez earlier, though I’m not going back and adding him because this Ubaldo has an even better last name.)
    Yoel Hernandez (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking)
    Oral Hildebrand (Sounds Dirty)
    Ed Hug (probably Just Cool to Say)
    Adam Hyzdu (Spelling Bee)
    Blaise Ilsley (I guess What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Dane Iorg (Just Cool to Say. Alternatively, his brother Garth would be just as good a fit.)
    Hansel Izquierdo (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?. Neither name is too bad on its own, but they really don’t seem to fit together.)
    Chris Jakubauskas (Spelling Bee, and another active one that I’m willing to admit to forgetting)
    Waldis Joaquin (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Smead Jolley (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Brooks Kieschnick (Spelling Bee)
    Joe Kmak (Spelling Bee)
    Alan Knicely (Spelling Bee)
    Don LeJohn (Just Cool to Say)
    Aquilino Lopez (Just Cool to Say)
    Grover Lowdermilk (Just Cool to Say; also had a brother named Lou who played in the majors)
    Con Lucid (Just Cool to Say; Con is short for Cornelius)
    Memo Luna (Just Cool to Say)
    Dolf Luque (Just Cool to Say)
    Keith Luuloa (Spelling Bee)
    Emil Mailho (Sounds Dirty)
    Doug McWeeny (Sounds Dirty)
    Blas Monaco (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Rance Mulliniks (Either Spelling Bee or What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Nick Neugebauer (Spelling Bee)
    Nyls Nyman (Spelling Bee)
    Franquelis Osoria (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Phil Ouellette (Spelling Bee)
    Orval Overall (Just Cool to Say)
    Jim Panther (Just Cool to Say)
    Monty Pfyl (Spelling Bee)
    Vada Pinson (…Just Cool to Say?)
    Renyel Pinto (probably Just Cool to Say, and again I wish I’d rememebered this on my own.)
    Skip Pitlock (probably Sounds Dirty, albeit only vaguely. Unfortunately, Skip is a nickname–unfortunate because the nomination is entirely on the “Pitlock” half.)
    Johnny Podgajny (Spelling Bee)
    Jennings Poindexter (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Eward Pyle (Spelling Bee)
    Elizardo Ramirez (Just Cool to Say)
    Dorsey Riddlemoser (Just Cool to Say, or possibly What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Ron Rightnowar (…not really cool to say, but a better fit in JCtS than anywhere else)
    Eppa Rixey (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking? I dunno, names that sound weird now didn’t necessarily sound weird back then.)
    Sendy Rleal (Spelling Bee)
    Niuman Romero (Spelling Bee)
    Jae Kuk Ryu (Just Cool to Say)
    Kirk Saarloos (Spelling Bee)
    F.P. Santangelo (Just Cool to Say. Normally I’m against the use of initials in here–and really, part of the reason he’s in here is because normally people who choose to go by their initials don’t have “F.P.” as their initials–but apparently his actual first name is “Frank-Paul”. And now the decision to go by “F.P.” makes so much more sense.)
    Rafael Santo Domingo (Just Cool to Say)
    Lou Schiappacasse (Spelling Bee)
    Travis Schlichting (Could be Spelling Bee with multiple cases of at least three straight non-y consonants, but could also be Sounds Dirty by way of onomatopoeia)
    Brian Schmack (Just Cool to Say)
    Hank Schmulbach (Spelling Bee)
    Ossee Schrecongost (Spelling Bee)
    Ferdie Schupp (possible Sounds Dirty)
    Pi Schwert (Spelling Bee)
    Lou Scoffic (Just Cool to Say)
    Fernando Seguignol (Just Cool to Say)
    Count Sensenderfer (Just Cool to Say…although as per the “no nicknames” rule, he’d have to be listed as John Sensenderfer.)
    Wascar Serrano (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Atahualpa Severino (Just Cool to Say)
    Elmer Sexauer (Sounds Dirty, maybe? With three straight vowels–and an x right before them–Spelling Bee is also a possibility)
    Adam Shabala (Just Cool to Say)
    Hunky Shaw (Just Cool to Say. Again, it’s a nickname…but his real first name is Royal, which is almost as cool.)
    Billy Shindle (Just Cool to Say, or What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Urban Shocker (Just Cool to Say. Looking at his page, this looks like a straight Anglicization of his birth name, Urbain Shockcor)
    Chick Shorten (Sounds Dirty)
    Lev Shreve (Just Cool to Say)
    Terry Shumpert (…no idea.)
    Frank Sigafoos (Just Cool to Say)
    Hosea Siner (Spelling Bee)
    Sibby Sisti (Just Cool to Say)
    Matt Skrmeta (Spelling Bee)
    Enos Slaughter (Just Cool to Say)
    Sterling Slaughter (Just Cool to Say)
    Scottie Slayback (Just Cool to Say)
    Craig Smajstrla (Spelling Bee)
    Walt Smallwood (Sounds Dirty)
    Homer Smoot (Just Cool to Say)
    Colonel Snover (Just Cool to Say…and yes, Colonel really was his legal first name.)
    By Speece (Just Cool to Say)
    Tim Spooneybarger (Just Cool to Say)
    Dick Starr (Sounds Dirty)
    Allyn Stout (Spelling Bee)
    Asa Stratton (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Jake Striker (Just Cool to Say)
    Nick Strincevich (Just Cool to Say)
    Joe Stripp (Sounds Dirty)
    Mark Strittmatter (Spelling Bee)
    Guy Sturdy (Sounds Dirty)
    Lena Styles (I’m not sure what to make of this one. It should’ve been an obvious “What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?”, but it’s not his real name. This female-sounding name is apparently a nickname, and his real name is William. Seriously, a female-sounding first name…with the last name Styles. How…flamboyant.)
    Homer Summa (Just Cool to Say)
    Ad Swigler (Just Cool to Say)
    R. J. Swindle (Just Cool to Say)
    Len Swormstedt (either Just Cool to Say or Spelling Bee)
    Ken Szotkiewicz (Spelling Bee)
    Jordan Tata (Sounds Dirty)
    Fernando Tatis (Just Cool to Say)
    Dick Teed (Sounds Dirty)
    Blake Tekotte (Spelling Bee)
    Kanekoa Texeira (Spelling Bee)
    Moe Thacker (Just Cool to Say)
    Buck Thrasher (Just Cool to Say)
    Marv Throneberry (Just Cool to Say)
    George Throop (Just Cool to Say)
    Les Tietje (Spelling Bee)
    Ledell Titcomb (Sounds Dirty; also, the “top line” name on Baseball Reference is “Cannonball Titcomb” but that violates the no nicknames rule)
    Tommy Toms (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Rupe Toppin (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Jim Toy (…no clue.)
    Ricky Trlicek (Spelling Bee)
    Matt Tuiasosopo (Spelling Bee…yeah, another one I should’ve remembered on my own.)
    Jimmy Uchrinscko (Spelling Bee)
    Bob Uecker (Spelling Bee)
    Woody Upchurch (Sounds Dirty)
    Lino Urdaneta (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    John Urrea (Sounds Dirty)
    Lon Ury (Just Cool to Say)
    Gene Vadeboncouer (Spelling Bee)
    Harry Vahrenhorst (Spelling Bee)
    Vito Valentinetti (Just Cool to Say)
    Merkin Valdez (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking? …or Sounds Dirty, for exactly the same reason.)
    Jose Valdivielso (Just Cool to Say)
    Johnny Van Cuyk (Sounds Dirty)
    Todd Van Poppel (Sounds Dirty)
    Quilvio Veras (Just Cool to Say)
    Zoilo Vesalles (Just Cool to Say)
    Lee Viau (Just Cool to Say)
    Elih Villanueva (Spelling Bee)
    Jim Viox (doesn’t really fit into any category. What do you do with a player whose name only becomes funny thirty years after his death?)
    Arodys Vizcaino (Spelling Bee)
    Tony Von Fricken (Just Cool to Say)
    John Vukovich (Just Cool to Say)
    Charlie Wacker (Sounds Dirty)
    Ham Wade (Just Cool to Say, probably…and yes, it’s a legit diminutive, for “Abraham”)
    Doug Waechter (Spelling Bee)
    Woody Wagenhorst (Sounds Dirty)
    Kermit Wahl (Just Cool to Say)
    Welday Walker (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?. Another one that would benefit even more from having his middle name included as well–it’s “Wilberforce”. Then again, if we were allowed to use full names, the otherwise unremarkable Russ Ortiz would be on here, since his full name is Russell Reid Ortiz.)
    Bill Wambsganss (Spelling Bee)
    Dick Wantz (Sounds Dirty)
    Dick Ward (Sounds Dirty)
    Link Wasem (Just Cool to Say)
    Ehren Wassermann (Spelling Bee)
    B.J. Waszgis (Sounds Dirty)
    Johnny Watwood (Sounds Dirty)
    Pete Weckbecker (Just Cool to Say)
    Dave Wehrmeister (Just Cool to Say)
    Ted Wieand (Spelling Bee)
    Sandy Wihtol (Spelling Bee)
    Milt Wilcox (Sounds Dirty)
    Julius Willigrod (anything but Spelling Bee…okay, probably just Sounds Dirty and What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?, actually.)
    Tex Wisterzil (Just Cool to Say…again, probably have to use real first name of George, which isn’t as good but his last name is still “Wisterzil”)
    Jay Witasick (Just Cool to Say)
    John Wockenfuss (Just Cool to Say)
    Steve Wojciechowski (Spelling Bee)
    Mellie Wolfgang (Just Cool to Say)
    Gene Woodburn (Sounds Dirty)
    Fred Woodcock (Sounds Dirty)
    George Woodend (Sounds Dirty)
    Hal Woodeshick (Sounds Dirty)
    Favel Wordsworth (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Ron Wotus (Just Cool to Say, I guess.)
    Ab Wright (Just Cool to Say)
    Zeke Wrigley (Just Cool to Say)
    Rick Wrona (Just Cool to Say)
    Yats Wuestling (Spelling Bee…although again, probably has to be put down with birth name of George Wuestling.)
    Marvell Wynne (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?)
    Esteban Yan (Just Cool to Say)
    Emil Yde (Spelling Bee)
    Al Yeargin (Just Cool to Say–also, full name is James Almond Yeargin, and apparently got the name Al from that odd middle name.)
    Chief Yellow Horse (Just Cool to Say. Again, nickname, but real first name is “Moses” and second-line name of “Moses J. Yellow Horse” is damn cool too.)
    Rich Yett (Just Cool to Say)
    Tom Yewcic (Just Cool to Say)
    Eddie Yuhas (Just Cool to Say)
    Mauro Zarate (Just Cool to Say)
    Lance Zawadzki (Just Cool to Say)
    Joe Zdeb (Spelling Bee)
    Bud Zipfel (Sounds Dirty)
    Peter Zoccolillo (Spelling Bee)
    Joel Zumaya (Just Cool to Say)
    Bob Zupcic (Just Cool to Say)

  2. Thanks to going back through this blog’s archive, I’ve found another one who should be in the “Sounds Dirty” category: Bris Lord. Don’t know how I missed that one the first time around.

  3. And again, I’m finding things I overlooked…when looking back through my own blog for the comment on the Padres’ four consecutive 2-1 games, I found an entry in which a number of candidates were compiled in a single box score.

    September 7, 2008

    The aforementioned Doug Mientkiewicz bats third for the visiting Pirates, while Robinzon Diaz (Spelling Bee) bats seventh, two of the relievers that eventually come in are named Marino Salas (What Were Mom and Dad Thinking?) and Romulo Sanchez (Just Cool to Say), and Nyjer Morgan (Spelling Bee, and an unfortunate omission from my earlier post) replaces Nate McClouth in center field midway through the game when McClouth gets injured. For the home Giants, Emmanuel Burriss (Spelling Bee–we like double letters, and he’s got three pairs of them) bats second, followed by Nate Schierholtz (could be Spelling Bee, could be Just Cool to Say) and Pablo Sandoval (Just Cool to Say). Further down the lineup, Travis Ishikawa (a What Were Mom and Dad Thinking? candidate due to the sheer disjointedness of that first name-last name pairing) bats seventh, followed initially by the aforementioned Eugenio Velez, who was later replaced by Ivan Ochoa (a borderline Spelling Bee due to his vowels outnumbering his consonants). And while their starting pitcher was nothing special, their first reliever out of the pen (who gave up two runs in one inning of work and got the win when the Giants scored ten runs immediately afterward…and that inning was the fourth) was Osiris Matos (Just Cool to Say); they would also later bring in the aforementioned Keiichi Yabu to pitch; in fact, due to Yabu entering with the bases loaded and the Giants only ahead by five, he would actually be the only reliever to pick up a hold in the game. Later still, they would bring in Sergio Romo (Just Cool to Say). I swear, this must’ve been one of the best box scores ever. And yes, 2008 was one of the years that Yorvit Torrealba was in Colorado, catching (among others) Ubaldo Jimenez. Only thing is, the Rockies didn’t have enough supporting oddballs to give them any legendary box scores, and on top of that, to truly pack in as many names as that game did, you need some September call-ups in there; Torrealba missed the entire final month of that season. About the best consolation prize we can take is that on June 11 of that year, Ubaldo Jimenez matched up against San Fran, getting a no-decision, and the Rockies won it 1-0 when an unearned run scored in the bottom of the ninth off of none other than Keiichi Yabu; the batter whose fly ball was dropped to allow the winning run to score was Yorvit Torrealba (in as a pinch-hitter). Unfortunately, the fourth-best name in that box score is the vaguely dirty-sounding Brian Horwitz, who pinch-hit for San Fran.

  4. CHIPPER JONES…. are you guys kidding me? It’s the best baseball name ever… just say it…. now say it again….. CHIPPER….. JONES….. It’s super American and baseball-y

  5. Man, that’s a hard act to follow. A handful come to mind that I don’t think made Chad’s list:

    Arquimedes Pozo (Just Cool to Say)
    Quilvio Veras (Just Cool to Say)
    Al Albuquerque (Just Cool to Say, What Were Mom and Dad Thinking)
    Charlie Furbush (Sounds Dirty)
    Doug Fister (Sounds Dirty)
    Chance Ruffin (Just Cool to Say)

    Note that the last three were all involved in one trade this summer, in the improbable Fister-Furbush deal. Somehow, Detroit has had those three players, *plus* Al Albuquerque, *plus* Fu-Te Ni, all in the last two years. I’m pretty sure they select relievers based on name.

    Arquimedes Pozo I learned about from a baseball card somebody gave me in Nicaragua when I mentioned I was a Red Sox fan. Why he had a baseball card of a formal utility infielder who had 80 career PA I’ll never know…

    I’m eagerly awaiting the emergence of Stolmy Pimentel, Trey McNutt, Deck McGuire, and Tyler Skaggs. There’s a good crop down in the minors.

    • Where’s Van Lingle Mungo? What’s stranger than that?

      On the same team with Biff Pocoroba was Bill Nahorodny. I used to love hearing the White Sox lineup announced with Pocoroba and Nahorodny. Seems like both were at the back end of the lineup.

      When I was a kid, I wanted the Tigers to get Gus Triandos and Bill Demeter because they had cool names. So they did…

      Can’t leave off Jim Walewander. Interesting name, and fun guy, with a personality like Mark “the Bird” Fydrich. You can add him, too.

  6. Mickey Klutz – infielder for the New York Yankees. Gotta love the name Klutz for an infielder, actually for any position player. Just Cool to Say?

  7. Sixto Lezcano gets me every time. What were his parents thinking? I would nominate Spotswood Poles for a dirty name but he only played in the Negro Leagues. Coco Crisp is fun to say, even though his real first name is Covelli. Kiki Cuyler (again not his real name), Jack Glasscock (dirty), Runelvys Hernandez (either fun to say or spelling bee), Von Hayes (either fun to say or what were his parents thinking), Jacques Jones (fun to say), the immortal Wally Pipp (fun to say), Dickie Thon (dirty).

  8. Under the two cool for school category, I humbly submit myself, Urban Shocker.

    Please forward any winning prizes to me at Calvary Cemetery and Mausoleum in St. Louis City, Missouri.

    You may also reach my on Twitter at: @UrbainShockcor

    Bless you.

  9. A lot of the “Sounds Dirty” names listed by Chad were only dirty for half of their name. The ultimate dirty MLB name: Randy Bush.

  10. I’m kinda sad you mention Catfish Hunter in the rules. But he should definitely be in there.

    I’d also suggest Rollie Fingers and Rock Raines. I know Baseball Reference doesn’t list Rock on the top line, but I know there have been several baseball cards that used Rock as a first name.

  11. Urban Shocker is amazing; sounds like a Batman villain.
    Noodles Hahn — my personal favorite.
    Ferris Fain — should have married Farrah Fawcett
    Spider Jorgensen — sounds like a serial killer
    Ducky Medwick — goofy-named HOFer
    Cy Young = Denton True Young + “Cyclone”, so that’s neat.
    Satchel Paige is cool.
    And these 3 guys were all on the same team in 1933:
    Dizzy Dean
    Daffy Dean
    Dazzy Vance

    Then there’s the old-timers:
    Crazy Schmit
    Germany Schaefer
    Rube Waddell (of the 27 guys B-R lists as “Rube” without it being their official name)
    Three Finger Brown
    Johnny Dickshot (nicknamed “Ugly”)
    Pud Calvin
    Old Hoss Radbourne
    Smoky Joe Wood
    Pud Galvin (aka “Gentle Jeems” or “The Little Steam Engine”)

    If negro leagues are allowed:
    Turkey Stearns
    Mule Suttles
    Newt Allen
    Biz Mackey

    • Other funny baseball names:

      pitcher Dixie Walker
      first baseman Speed Walker
      hitter Nick Swisher
      hitter John Misse
      pitcher Josh Outman
      pitcher Jack Fanning

  12. U.L. Washington
    Mickey Klutts
    Mickey Tettleton
    Bake McBride
    Tug McGraw
    Moose Haas
    Joaquin Andujar
    Dusty Baker
    Jason Isringhausen
    Mookie Wilson

  13. Boof Bonser (Just Cool to Say)
    Tadahito Iguchi (Just Cool to Say – say it in your best boxing ring announcer voice)
    Grant Balfour (What were mom and dad thinking letting BALL-FOUR play baseball?)
    Antonio Bastardo (Sounds Dirty. ESPN’s boards don’t allow his name to be typed in comment sections)
    Kosuke Fukudome (Sounds Dirty)
    Ichiro Suzuki (Just Cool to Say – how boss do you have to be in order to have your first name on the back of your jersey?)
    Vida Blue (JCtS)
    Gotta agree with Al Kaline (JCtS once you realize it’s not pronounced like the batteries)

  14. Nook Logan
    Pokey Reese
    Dickie Thon
    Rabbit Maranville
    Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown
    Wonderful Terrific Monds
    Tuffy Rhodes
    Moose Skowron
    Choo Choo Coleman

  15. For the spelling bee category, Billy Garbarkiewitz (I think I spelled that right)
    Just cool to say, Frenchy Bordagaray
    Don’t know where it would fit in these brackets, but there ought to be some honorable mention for Emil Yde and Eli Grba, proud co-owners of the shortest given first and last name in MLB history – maybe What were Mom and Dad thinking?

  16. Red Schoendienst
    Pork Chop Pough
    Ugueth Urbina
    Urban Shocker
    Razor Shines
    Mark Grudzielanek
    Mark Rzepczynski (awesome Scrabble value)
    Mordecai Three Finger Brown
    Coco Crisp
    Ed Head
    Mickey Klutts
    JJ Putz
    Shin-Soo Choo
    Chief Bender
    Rance Mulliniks
    Kiki Cuyler
    Van Lingle Mungo
    Ubaldo Heredia
    Oil Can Boyd
    Shooty Babbitt
    Archi Cianfrocco
    Junior Spivey
    Boog Powell
    Pee Wee Reese
    Nomar Garciaparra
    Garth Iorg
    Stubby Clapp
    John Wockenfuss
    Urbano Lugo

  17. I’m glad someone finally mentioned my all time favorite Van Lingle Mungo. I was just about to do it myself. What about Rip Repulski and Jabbo Jablonski; the Ripper and the Jabber both played the same 1950s Cardinal team. Never knew their real first names. Did someone mention Yogi Berra? or Dixie Walker?

    • The ’30s-’50s Cardinals appear to have led the world in great names.

      Dizzy, Daffy, Dazzy, Ducky, Rip and Jabbo, not to mention Whitey Kurowski, Red Munger and Nippy Jones.

  18. Kaiser Wilhelm. Granted, he debuted before World War I, but it seems odd that a guy named Irwin Wilhelm would have gone by the name of Kaiser during that time period.

    Also Mickey Mantle. Besides being illiterative, Mantle’s first name supposedly was in honor of Mickey Cochrane. I don’t know if any other Hall of Famer has named after a prior Hall of Fame player (although Robinson Cano is making progress in that regard).

  19. The best baseball name of all time………Babe Ruth. Just say “The Babe” in any conversation.You’ll know who we’re talkin about.

  20. While sitting at the bar,I thought of these.
    John Boozer
    Bobby Wine
    Phil Coke
    Then my shapely bartender walked over to me and another came to mind
    Gene Brabender

  21. Sixto Lezcano
    Joe Lefebvre (actually pronounced “La-Fay”)
    Ivan deJesus
    Kiko Garcia
    Porfi Altamirano
    Mickey Morandini
    Nino Espinosa
    Amaury Telemaco
    Pete Incaviglia
    Fernando Valenzuela
    Razor Shines
    Rusty Kuntz

  22. Kiki Cuyler
    Cesar Geronimo
    Julian Javier
    Harmon Killebrew
    Coco Laboy
    Minnie Minoso
    Satchel Paige
    Dusty Rhodes
    Tuffy Rhodes
    Cookie Rojas
    Jarrod Saltalamacchia
    Manny Sanguillen
    Gene Stechschulte
    Pie Traynor

    • A Donald A Coffin sighting! Hi, Don.

      Alan Mitchell Edward George Patrick Henry “Dirty Al” Gallagher has more names than Cal McLish.

  23. Chet Lemon
    Dickie Noles
    Dan Quisenberry
    Huston Street
    Franklin Stubbs
    Junior Felix
    Sterling Hitchcock
    Jennings Poindexter
    Shoeless Joe Jackson
    Schoolboy Rowe
    Amos Otis
    Sparky Anderson
    Yogi Berra
    Buttercup Dickerson

  24. Hey, Diane, since there are so many cool MLB names, perhaps additional regions (read: categories) are in order for the all-time biggest, baddest Baseballnamepalooza in history: a 512-moniker tournament with eight brackets of 64 consisting of additional categories or “regions”. The field would then be whittled to 256 names then 128 then 64 and so on! My thought is, why leave out 448 great names for the sake of brevity; this is the Internet, baby! The bigger the name game the better ‘cuz there’s no shortage o’ space. To that end, may I introduce 10 new categories. — Marc Hardin in Cincinnati.

    Smoky Joe Wood
    Art Ball
    Matt Batts
    Pepper Martin
    Harmon Killebrew
    Mysterious Walker
    Rich Hacker
    Bruce Hitt
    Cy Slapnicka
    Pop Rising
    Vic Power
    Rip Collins
    Anthony Slama
    Chief Sockalexis
    Boom-Boom Beck
    Bill Pounds
    Davy Force
    Home Run Baker
    Homer Bush
    Trot Nixon
    Herb Score
    Zelous Wheeler
    Eddie Quick
    Bob Steele
    Fielder Jones
    Prince Fielder
    Gary Glover
    Hal Leathers
    Skipper Friday
    Joe Start
    Woody Held
    Jack Armstrong
    Charlie Gassaway
    Darcy Fast
    Chief Bender
    Jay Hook
    Josh Outman
    Early Wynn
    John Strike
    Jake Striker
    Grant Balfour
    Erik Plunk
    Cap Anson
    Jersey Bakley
    Brandon Belt
    Socks Seibold
    Rick Schu
    Clete Boyer
    Bill Hands
    Rollie Fingers
    Greg Legg
    Barry Foote
    Tony Armas
    Dusty Rhodes
    Vinegar Bend Mizell
    Jocko Fields
    Dick Littlefield
    Dave Winfield
    Jim Greengrass
    Scott Diamond
    Drew Stubbs
    Welcome Gaston
    Bob Usher
    Clarence Beers
    Charlie Root
    Bump Wills
    Jerry Upp
    Chicken Wolf
    Sparky Anderson
    Ebenezer Beatin
    Donne Wall
    Johnny Bench
    Jack Spring
    Scott Coolbaugh
    Ken Cloude
    Tim Raines
    Slicker Parks
    June Greene
    Champ Summers
    Razor Shines
    Neal Heaton
    Ken Hottman
    Pop Swett
    Bug Holliday
    Sonny Jackson
    Al Dark
    Moonlight Graham
    The Only Nolan
    Granny Hamner
    Whammy Douglas
    Lil Stoner
    Urban Shocker
    Wonderful Terrific Monds
    Phenomenal Smith
    Van Lingle Mungo
    Harry Swan
    Wade Boggs
    Red Bird
    Red Barron
    Vida Blue
    Blue Moon Odom
    Pinky Higgins
    Pinky Woods
    Pumpsie Green
    Dallas Green
    Blackie Carter
    Whitey Ford
    Dave Almond
    Reddy Grey
    Chummy Gray
    Blondy Ryan
    George Bone
    Gates Brown
    Bubbles Hargrave
    Conrad Cardinal
    Rocky Cherry
    Todd Coffey
    Flame Delhi
    Ginger Beaumont
    Goldie Rapp
    Hi Jasper
    Chet Lemom
    Onix Concepcion
    Peaches Davis
    Frank Pears
    Pete Rose
    Rusty Kuntz
    Sandy Koufax
    Silver Flint
    Shadow Pyle
    J.T. Snow
    Zack Wheat
    Bobby Wine
    Ed Wineapple
    Chief Yellow Horse
    Al Alburquerque
    Buddy Biancalana
    Coco Crisp
    Creepy Crespi
    Count Campau
    Choo Choo Coleman
    Dizzy Dean
    Don Drysdale
    Shin Soo Choo
    Goose Gossage
    Gus Gandarillas
    Kila Ka’aihue
    Mickey Mantle
    Orval Overall
    Scipio Spinks
    Sibby Sisti
    Sonny Siebert
    Sy Studley
    Twink Twining
    Yam Yaryan
    Zip Zabel
    Egyptian Healy
    Irish McIlveen
    King Cole
    Cesar Geronimo
    Mark Portugal
    Chad Ogea
    Steve Parris
    Ossie France
    Marcus Thames
    Niles Jordan
    Dutch Jordan
    Israel Pike
    Franklyn German
    Turkey Tyson
    Miguel Cairo
    Jose Lima
    Pork Chop Pough
    Tun Berger
    Pickles Dillhoefer
    Piggy Ward
    Ham Allen
    Bob Veale
    Johnny Oates
    Billy Beane
    Terry Cornutt
    Lyman Lamb
    Turkey Gross
    Dmitri Young
    Chili Davis
    Dizzy Trout
    Catfish Hunter
    Cookie Rojas
    Pie Traynor
    Darryl Strawberry
    Candy Maldonado
    Pop Joy
    Pop Corkhill
    Joe DiMaggio
    Lu Blue
    Joe Pepitone
    Bevo LeBourveau
    Billy Joe Robideaux
    Joe Charboneau
    Charlie Frisbee
    Oil Can Boyd
    Brickyard Kennedy
    Cannonball Titcomb
    Boileryard Clarke
    Ice Box Chamberlain
    Pea Ridge Day
    Terrmel Sledge
    Larry President
    Con Daily
    Con Lucid
    Snake Deal
    Trader Horne
    Ty Pickup
    Epp Sell
    These fit into an established category like Just Cool To Say or Spelling Bee:

    Napoleon LaJoie
    Yogi Berra
    Hilly Flitcraft
    Rivington Bisland
    Ambiorix Burgos
    Nino Bongiovanni
    Pembroke Finlayson
    Tim Spooneybarger
    Biff Pocoroba
    John Boccabella
    Zoilo Versailles
    Shooty Babitt
    Stubby Clapp
    Benny Agbayani
    Manny Sanguillen
    Ossee Schrecongost
    Frenchy Bordagaray
    Gookie Dawkins
    Pokey Reese
    Burleigh Grimes
    Porfi Altamirano
    Archi Cianfrocco
    Ivey Wingo
    Peter Zoccolillo
    Arquimedez Pozo
    Hiram Bocachica
    Emilio Bonifacio
    Sixto Lezcano
    Sal Bando
    John Wockenfuss
    Creighton Gubanich
    Radhames Dykhoff
    Firpo Marberry
    Bots Nekola
    Boots Day
    Boots Poffenberger
    Boog Powell
    Coot Veal
    Nook Logan
    Sig Jakucki
    Skeeter Barnes
    Bake McBride
    Bombo Rivera
    Drungo Hazewood
    Ping Bodie
    Slim Love
    Smead Jolley
    Sad Sam Jones
    Dad Meek
    Lady Baldwin
    Baby Doll Jacobson
    Peek-A-Boo Veach
    Cupid Childs
    Pop-boy Smith
    Schoolboy Rowe
    Chick Starr
    Mackey Sasser
    Orator Shafer
    Crazy Schmit
    High Pockets Kelly
    Hick Carpenter

    If others have some additions for these new categories, fire ’em out!

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